Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Scared!

Alright, I need to relax some! I‘ve been feeling so good about this whole thing lately, just trying to listen to my stomach and only eat when I am truly hungry and my stomach is rumbling... etc. Then yesterday, I succumbed. I broke down. I had a small cup of sugarfree jello... my 4th meal of the day, and I wasn‘t even hungry! I felt like a failure. I felt like this would turn out to be exactly like any other diet I‘ve ever been on and failed on... Really successful in the beginning and then failing epically until I give up entirely.

But this time, I still have the band in me. And all in all, even if it was „my 4th meal of the day“ (can sugarfree jello be considered a meal, anyway?) – it was still a tiny cup of sugarfree jello.  It was what, 10 calories? 20? If there is one thing I am damned certain of, after years of overeating... 20 calories do not an obese person make. No no... cinnamon rolls, pizza, hamburgers, french fries, ribs, tuna sandwiches, hoagies, chinese food, candy , ice cream, cake, pancakes... That is the stuff jiggling is made of.  

So I will forgive myself this indiscretion. God knows, I will do worse on this diet than that. I can tell you that right now.

Plus, my weight had gone down a little this morning anyway...

I am just so scared. I am terrified that the band is not going to keep the devil out! Everytime I come across someone in a forum or on a blog talking about their „cheat“ foods, or how much they ate one night by accident... I shut my eyes and start humming loudly... I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

I felt better when I really thought you just physically could not overeat. Nothing would fit down your gullet that wasn‘t good for you. I dont want to see how people get away with this and that, it scares me... It makes me think that I too will find fatty stuff that I can easily scoff down... and I will lose myself in it. And all will be lost.

What does keep me optimistic though is the possibility of restriction. Being very restricted means that while I could probably overeat if I really set my mind to it, I will at least have to be conscious of it for the entire experience. Small bites, chewing thoroughly, waiting between bites... and if I don‘t, the band will kick my ass. That makes me far less likely to overeat. 

Overeating was always like this experience I just lost myself in, I just sat there watching a movie and whoops, the whole bag of candy was gone! Or I sat there reading on the computer and suddenly wondered... „hey, what happened to my toast? Oh...“

So that, more than anything else, is what I am counting on being my saving grace.

Please be my saving grace...

2 comments:

  1. Hey! This is Donna from Happilyafterlapband.blogspot! Thank you for the nice comments, I want to follow your blog but i can't find the button to do it!

    I'm at work so I haven't had a chance to read everything, but I'll be back tonight to catch up.

    Trust me, I have good days and bad days, but you know what. Even on my bad days I have only consumed about 1200 calories or so! Sugar free jello is considered a cup of water so don't even sweat it! Can't wait to read the rest of your story, my banded/blogging friends have made this experience so wonderful!

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