Tuesday, January 24, 2012

So the story begins....

Hmm. I have been sitting here for ages trying to figure out how to begin this post, as I feel that my blog and this new chapter in my life should have some sort of grand opening... but frankly, the day is a wasting so I am just going to get started.

That is pretty much more in keeping with how I found myself on this path anyway. But more on that in a bit.

I am 29 years old, I have been overweight since my pre-teen years to varying degrees, ranging from chubby to morbidly obese. I am currently at my highest weight of all time...  244 lbs (that was even hard just to type).  I have been on a diet more or less for about 12 years. During those 12 years I have probably lost about a metric ton, but still this is where I  find myself - a whopping 60 lbs heavier than when I first succumbed to the dieting bug! Not what I would call a roaring success.

After an endless string of diets, losing about 10 lbs (and then gaining back 15!) each time, I found some success on a diet program, getting my weight down from 229 to 165 in about six months, about 20 lbs from my goal weight.  My frame does not carry a lot of weight so I was still pretty chubby, but I finally felt normal. Chubby, but normal. But then I got into a relationship, started living with someone  and slowly my weight started creeping back on.  And I was back to my 10 lbs off/15 lbs gained game.

I tried illegal diet pills but they made my heart race so bad that I was literally expecting the Grim Reaper to whisk me away at any moment. So that effort lasted about two weeks (heart palpitations and looming death, and still I kept at it for 2 weeks. Gosh!).  

I then joined a gym in an effort to ditch the weight. Got a personal trainer and followed her instructions to the letter.  I was very motivated, keeping track of what I ate and handing in a food journal to my trainer every week (started to notice that my trainer had sort of wacky nutrition ideas though...) and showed up to the gym 6 days a week.  3 days with my trainer, and 3 days on my own. And I never just phoned it in either, I went hard. But I never lost a single pound. The trainer told me that this was because I was gaining muscle, which outweighed the fat. Fair enough, I figured, as I was getting much stronger. But as it turned out, my shape did not change at all, my clothes did not start to fit more loosely... and I lost motivation after about 4 and half months when I saw no changes. I had finally succumbed and tried the „exercise thing“, but even that didnt work!

After that foray into the world of working out, I started to gain weight much faster than I ever had before. When I started to tell people about it, everyone had had that same experience. Once they had started working out they couldn‘t stop or they gained back twice as fast as they had before.  WTF!? Why was this not in the fine print when I bought the gym membership? Or rather, why was this not emblazoned on the gym door in blood?  Abandon all hope ye who enter here!

Then I did another health-smart but fat-stupid thing in June 2011. I quit smoking. Two months later, when I had gained about 30 lbs, I started smoking again and stopped gaining weight.  
That is pretty much it... my diet woes thus far. A few monumental disasters, sprinkled with little disappointments and surrender with one cherry of semi-success on top.

And here I am, bigger than when I started and pretty much utterly hopeless.

But now what? I am not ready to just give up on myself. I am not ready to concede that this is just how I am going to be for the rest of my life. I don‘t want this life for me.

I feel like 12 years of yo-yo dieting is enough. Waaay enough.  I have not been able to conquer these demons on my own and it‘s time I got help.

So I am getting banded. On Saturday!

I have been thinking about the lapband for about a year now, on and off. But as my insurance does not cover it, and it is very expensive, I never REALLY considered it an option. More of a pipe dream.

But coming out of this Christmas season, the last year of my twenties –  fatter than I had ever been after a decade on a diet – and absolutely miserable to boot, I decided to make it an option. After that, everything just sort of came together very fast.  I found a doctor and he gave me a surgery date 3 weeks from my interview, I had the money and I made all the arrangements.

So wham. And now it‘s here.

I have to do some travelling for my operation, so I leave on Thursday so I can get settled in and have my blood work done and everything before my operation on Saturday morning.

I am now terrified that I am somehow „not ready“. That I am going to blow this like I have blown every other diet I have ever tried. I will be a failure.

So in an effort to keep myself accountable, I started this blog. As I am not going to be public about my lapband, I hope that this will help in having somewhere to vent my frustrations and share my victories and hopefully meet some other bandsters along the way. 

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