Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Nervous...

Before I made the deciscion to get a  lapband, I had only seen lap band „success stories“. It seemed that everyone who had this operation had absolutely no choice but to be successful. The weight would just fall right off and people would gain this whole new attitude towards everything, themselves, food, exercise...! I guess when the operation was just a pipe dream, I never gave it much thought beyond that.

When I had made up my mind and made the arrangements to have it done, I started to think (Classic me.  Arrange first. Think later) about what I was going to do once I had the band. I started to come across blogs of people that had not perhaps been as successful as the „band superstars“ I had aspired to be like. People who ate melted Mars bars with a spoon during their liquid phase, and skipped the mushy stage altogether. It has to be said that in my current state of mind, I can relate more to the melted Mars bar eating kind of bandsters than the go-getter skinny ones.

That worries me.

I don‘t want to travel all this way, make this big financial investment, have surgical scars and a plastic tube inside of me... for nothing. I know that if I do this, I will have to do it right. I will have to make a commitment and I will have to stand by it. The band will help me, but it will not do the work for me.

I will still have an eating disorder. I will still want to overeat. I will still want the bad foods over the good ones. I will still want to not work out. I will be me, just with a plastic tube in my belly - and that‘s it.
And I honestly had not given much thought to what ELSE I was going to do. I knew I was going to travel, get the band put in and come home. And get skinny. 

So I am making a deal with me: I will do whatever it takes for this to work for me. If I need to stay away from parties for a little while, or not attend some cake laden event to which I am invited, then that‘s what I am going to do. No one would expect a recovering alcoholic to attend a keg party, but they don‘t give the obese any slack in that department. So I am just going to take the space I need for myself.

I made a list of things I intend to do once I have been banded.

  • 1.       I will weigh myself every Friday and post the results on my blog. Even if I dont lose weight and even if I gain weight, I am accountable to publish it.
  • 1.       I will put up a weight loss tracker in my house to keep me accountable to my partner.
  • 1.       I will reward myself every time I have lost 11 lbs. (5 kg)
  • 1.       I will take pictures of myself throughout this journey, once a month, and post them on this blog. That should allow both myself and whoever might be reading, to see my progress.
  • 1.       I will exercise for 30 minutes a day on average. Whether that means that I exercise for an hour every other day, or however I want to do it.
  • 1.       Every 22 lbs (10 kg) I will try a new form of exercise. A new class of some sort.
  • 1.       I am going to look into O.A. meetings in my area. It would be good to be a part of some group that is dealing with the same issues that are plaguing me.
  • 1.       I will question my food choices. Is this what I want, why do I want this, is this good for me?
  • 1.       I will count my calories and stay around 1200 cal per day.
  • 1.       I will try to feel good and take care of myself. Exercise, massages, sleep – what I need.
  • 1.       I need to rethink food. Food will have to one day become a minimal event in my life. Not the highlight of my day. I can no longer use it for rewards, or an escape, or comfort. I will have to try to make food about nourishment alone.
  • 1.       I will keep an open mind about ideas I have that could help me. No judgement! 



That is quite the list. 12 things that I promise to do, that I hope will take me in the right direction and lead me towards success.

The 12th item on the list is a bit vague, but I was thinking about for example hypnotherapy.  Now, I know I know - and I normally discount anything of the sort as voodoo nonsense and would not consider it, but maybe it could have some merit. Maybe it could even possibly help me out if I need it. Help me with my addiction to food, just help me out in general... and if so, why not try it? It has worked for other people in the past.

Like I said, just keep an open mind. Try new things. Not in an  „Im-so-desperate-that-I-will-try-freaking-anything!“ kind of way way, but just be optimistic about my future and if I need help with something, not to be dismissive or afraid to try anything out.

Lord knows I‘ve done it all wrong so far...!

I will probably be posting mad here in the beginning, so much to say as I prepare for my surgery. I am not telling people so I haven‘t really had a chance to discuss much what‘s going on in my head. Now that I have the blog, I have sooooo much I want to get off my chest!

I might as well get it out of the way before I have any readers J

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